‘I am not talking about your favourite politician. He would never do such a thing. I am talking about that other politician.’
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Dear reader, I hope this fortnight’s column finds you well. Can you believe it? It is already the month of April as you are reading my latest missive.
April is my birth month. And if you are planning to send your favourite weekend columnist any gift items, please feel free to do so. Gifts of all sizes and shapes are welcome. But cash is best, for mutual convenience.
But back to the main programming. Once again, your writer was partaking of some civil aviation recently and found himself marvelling at the relentless wonder that is the human being. A very patient member of the cabin crew approached a gentleman sitting nearby and asked him: “Sir, what would you like for breakfast?”
He said: “Yes.”
Then she smiled and explained: “Sir, you have Indian vegetarian option, continental vegetarian option and continental non-vegetarian option. What would you like?”
Again, he said a single word: “Yes.”
Once again the cabin crew, her smile now slightly strained, explained to the man that there were several options for breakfast. And he was to choose one.
After several minutes of repartee, it became clear that the man was basically saying that he wanted one of every option. And, dear reader, for the next 45 minutes, he sat and ate three separate breakfasts one after the other.
This incident reminded me of the subject of this week’s rumination: the Indian politician’s unique ability to say two completely contradictory things when you ask them about something. (I am not talking about your favourite politician. He would never do such a thing. I am talking about that other politician.)
Let me illustrate with an entirely fake scenario that I just made up for the sake of this column. It has no relationship whatsoever with the real world. Let’s say that a comedian goes to some sort of entertainment venue and decides to make a joke about a politician. (Again, not your favourite politician. The other one.) A few days later, supporters of the politician who was the subject of the joke arrive at the venue and destroy it into tiny little pieces for the benefit of the nation.
The next day, some journalist will approach the politician or one of his/ her allies and ask if they support such thuggish behaviours.
It is at that moment that he or she will unleash a masterpiece of Indian political rhetoric. They will say: “Freedom of speech is paramount to Indian society. Every Indian has the right to speech. Speech should be free everywhere. Speech should be like curry leaf in vegetable shop… But, in the case of this comedian rascal, I am going to separate his face from his head.”
Dear reader, Indian politicians pull this trick all the time. They will say that something is very important in theory, but if you try and put it into practise, they will cover you in biryani and throw you into the zoo.
“Yes, artistic freedom is there in India. More artistic freedom is there in India than anywhere else in the world. Just yesterday, we exported 100 tonnes of artistic freedom to Pakistan. However, next time if you make a painting like this again, we will immediately set you on fire.”
Or.
“Education is important. The future of India depends on education. In fact, it was the great John Dewey who said that education is not preparation for life; education is life itself. Waah waah. But next time, if you teach about Aurangzeb in school, you start preparation for death.”
Dear readers, how is it 2025, and we still don’t have a word for this total and utter shenanigans?
Which is why today onwards, you will use the word ‘hypocracy’. The perfect communion of hypocrisy in a democracy.
Example sentence: “The home minister made a rousing hypocratic speech in which he said that freedom of the press is the cornerstone of a vibrant democracy such as India. However, this particular journalist should be thrown into the nearest volcano.”
But most importantly, I want you to remember one thing: I am not at all talking about your politician. I am talking about the other one.
The writer is head of talent at Clarisights. He lives in London and is currently working on a new novel.
Published – April 03, 2025 03:04 pm IST