India is falling behind in the AI race. America has ChatGPT, China has DeepSeek and 10,000 sq. km. of our territory, and India still has only what it discovered eons ago: zero. So, to encourage AI innovation, our government is giving away thousands of chips to anyone claiming to be an AI developer. As someone who’s grown up (and grown bigger) on all kinds of chips, including Uncle Chips, I got super-motivated, and quickly jotted down ideas for AI start-ups. My plan is to convert those ideas into unicorns and push India to the forefront of the global AI revolution. To motivate my fellow Indians, I am sharing a small sample of the several AI tools I am working on.
Cover-Up Machi
Function: content erasure and editing
Cover-Up Machi transforms simple delete commands into cosmic wipe-outs. Suppose you want all references to the New Delhi Railway Station stampede erased from X, you don’t need to send a government order or threaten people or file FIRs in Guwahati. Instead, a simple voice prompt, “Cover-up the New Delhi stampede, machi” would be enough. It would unleash trillions of nanobots that would scour every nook of the Internet and eliminate all references to the mishap. Not only that, using its advanced machi-ne learning capabilities, Cover-up Machi would proactively wipe out all references to all stampedes, including the Maha Kumbh maha-stampede of January 29 that would have never happened if people had never come to know about it through videos that would have never reached them had there been an efficient AI to cover it up.
Apology Mama
Function: chatbot-cum-crisis manager
Apology Mama has been trained intensely on the works of the world’s greatest apologisers, including our own legend Mr. Savarkar. Apology Mama’s advanced learning models are versatile enough to produce an apology for every kind of misdeed, including sick non-jokes at a non-talent show. Some of you may have witnessed the pseudo-apology put out by a human being who goes by the name of VodkaTriceps. “I’m just here to say sorry,” it says. Obviously you’re not here to say Merry Christmas. Also, VodkaTriceps released only two apologies in seven days — a limitation of relying on natural intelligence. Apology Mama will post an apology an hour, day after day, from every one of your social media handles until you (the offender) can resume normal life or exit the country or get anticipatory bail, whichever comes first.
This column is a satirical take on life and society.
Equation Chacha
Function: virtual assistant
If you are a jet-setting world leader, you never know when you might need an emergency equation. Equation Chacha can instantly generate one for every occasion. The beta version of Equation Chacha has already produced some classics, including MEGA minus MAGA = MIGA. I intend to offer Equation Chacha for free so that even the poorest can use it to generate equations they can use to understand the universe. For instance, when a farmer fed Equation Chacha with details of India’s rural infrastructure, it came up with this gem: (mass ignorance + poverty) x religion = poor governance + zero accountability.
Gnamechanger
Function: naming assistant
This name-changer tool is a gamechanger. After OTPs and propaganda, name-changing is the fastest growing sector in Indian manufacturing. Be it cities, towns, schools, roads, hospitals, institutions, welfare schemes, airports, railway stations or just your neighbourhood park whose total area is smaller than its total name — all of them will need a name change at some point. That’s where Gnamechanger comes in. Input the current name, it will recommend the perfect new name. A UP MLA was thrilled when he typed ‘Taj Mahal’ and got ‘Tejo Mahalaya’ — such a beautiful classical name! There is so much demand for this app from politicians that I already have 56,000 pre-booked subscriptions.
Fibber
Function: chatbot
This is a reality-to-fantasy converter that comes complimentary with a three-year-subscription to Cover-Up Machi. Feed reality to Fibber and say “Go Fib!” It will spit out a heady cocktail of propaganda, lies and wishful thinking — an invaluable resource for political elites who need a steady supply of fodder for the influencers on their payroll. For instance, an economist friend wrote on Fibber, “The rupee breached an all-time low of 87 against the dollar. Go Fib!” Fibber’s response: “By 2029, when India will be a $75 trillion economy, every Indian will get three buffaloes and 24 gold coins under the Garib Kalyan Buffalo Gold Coin Yojana.”
The author of this satire, is Social Affairs Editor, The Hindu.
Published – February 27, 2025 03:10 pm IST